


A Few Drops of Gold

by NervousAsexual



Category: Half-Life
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Whump, i guess, needles cw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-29
Updated: 2020-01-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:33:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22469455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NervousAsexual/pseuds/NervousAsexual
Summary: Eli approaches Barney with a plan to infiltrate Civil Protection.
Relationships: Barney Calhoun & Eli Vance
Comments: 5
Kudos: 49





	A Few Drops of Gold

Every week there is a precious little ration of what the science-illiterate call "liquid gold," the surprisingly greenish healing fluid packaged into CP armor. It can close up any wound, numb most physical pain, and encourage regrowth of broken bones. Usually by the time a cop is killed their armor has injected all of the fluid into their body, but whenever there is a clash the rebels look anyway. Any leftovers they find are distributed to the most badly injured rebels on a rotating basis.

It's not an efficient system by any means, not even close. The amount of fluid it takes to heal a single wound is more than they usually find in a week, and so there’s never enough to truly heal anybody. Everyone is always given just enough to get them through the next few weeks, keeping everyone at the same barely functional level. But the other option is so much worse, Eli thinks--they could save up, fully heal people whenever they have a complete dose, and they would have to leave everyone else to die. There's been too much death already.

This week there are six others in the line with Barney, two of whom are kids and one of whom is missing a limb. It's a rough-looking room. One of the kids is crying and so are her parents. Barney, though, is just sitting stiffly on the edge of the couch, clutching at his upper arm. His face is alarmingly pale.

"Hey, doc," he says when Eli takes a seat beside him. "Need a little liquid gold?"

Eli is far enough ahead in the healing queue that he has never shared a session with Barney. Most of his problems revolve around the leg he lost--phantom pains, numbness, and the scar tissue that the fluid always leaves behind making his prosthetic fit awkwardly. "No. I came to see how you were doing."

"Not too bad, not too bad. Glad to be inside. It's cold out there."

Barney came straight here from his shift on watch, Eli remembers. Eight hours out in the frigid winter air and then straight to the infirmary, which is the best-heated of all the floors of Black Mesa East. "How's the arm?"

Barney shrugs. "Still mostly works. That's something, right?"

He is smiling but his eyes are pained and a wave of grief washes over Eli. In a few years this could be Alyx. Barney's injury predates the resistance--an elevator crash back at Black Mesa, just minutes after the resonance cascade, all but destroyed his left arm and several days of fighting his way through the facility had made it worse--but without the ability to synthesize the healing fluid there is only so much they can do to treat any sort of wound. And it's not a matter of if Alyx will be hurt but when. She's too much like Azian to be content watching from a lab. The fighting has been so bad lately that unless something changes... but that is why he's come here.

The door at the front of the room opens and a single medic looks out. Without a word she points at one of the children and the woman with the missing arm. They both follow her back to the inner room of the clinic.

"Moving right along," Barney says. He stretches his fingers and his smile fades. His eyes are bright, but he and Eli both pretend it's not from tears.

They sit in silence for a moment. _It shouldn't be like this_ , Eli thinks. Barney's in no shape to be taking watch. But there's no one else. Black Mesa East is already operating on a skeleton crew, and it's full of people in Barney's situation. Eli has wracked his brain trying to figure out a way to fix it, but there's only one thing he can think to do.

God, he doesn't want to do this.

Barney moves his hand to his lap, lifting it just a little with his other hand. He rubs up and down the arm. There's a sound he chokes back, a sound that might be a whimper, but there's no way to know in this place. None of this is sustainable.

"I've been doing a lot of thinking," Eli says slowly.

Barney gives him a wan smile. "That's always dangerous."

He smiles back but there's no happiness in it. "About you. About the resistance." There's still time. He doesn't have to say this. "About CP."

The smile vanishes from Barney's face.

"They're tearing us up out there. We need better information on them."

"I'll get some folks together. Lots of people been wanting to get back at 'em."

He knows what’s coming. He knows and he's going to fight this. Eli's chest hurts.

"Hit 'em early in the morning, get out of there before they have time to regroup."

"You and I both know that's a short-term fix. We need..."

The tears in Barney's eyes steal the words from his mouth. Eli looks at him and wants to cave. He wants to take Barney in his arms and let him cry and tell him that it's okay, that he doesn't have to do this. But what other choice is there? He swallows the lump in his throat. "With somebody on the inside we'd have a heads-up when they're moving at us. Think of how many lives we could save."

Barney rubs his eyes. "You know what CP does. Keeping cover would... I can't."

"Please, just consider it."

"If I do this I have to do whatever they ask. Kill civilians, chain vortigaunts."

He wants to tell him that it's for the greater good, but he looks at Barney and the promise dries up before he can speak. It is for the greater good. It doesn't change the sacrifice it will require.

"I've been here from day one." Barney's voice rises in pitch. "I... I'm not..."

"I know you are, Barney. That's why I'm asking you. I know your heart's with us."

He shakes his head into his hand. "There's got to be someone else."

“Of course there is. There’s a lot of people who’d love that kind of power trip, and as soon as they get what they want from it they could easily sell us out. It has to be someone like you.”

When Barney glances up again his eyes are red but the tears aren't falling.

"Doc, please," he whispers. "Don't make me do this."

This is the answer he’s expected, the answer he prepared for, but it breaks his heart anyway. “Alright, son. Alright.”

Barney’s shoulders slump--he’s been holding them square all this time and now they’re shaking. He’s trying to keep it together. He clings to his bad arm, ducks his head, and rocks back and forth. It hurts even to look at him.

It hurts that Eli is looking at Barney and seeing the endless casualties, civilians and rebels killed or maimed because they can only guess at what the enemy is doing. He’s seeing Alyx. But he’s seeing Barney too. He’s been there. Some days he is still there. He knows what it’s like to hurt, to be unable to help effectively.

_But it doesn’t have to be this way._

Eli’s entire body feels numb. For a moment his mind insists that this is the only way, but he can’t do this. It’s a low blow, a cheap shot. And yet after what he’s asking of Barney, can he really pretend he’s too principled for such a thing?

He watches himself reach out and take Barney’s face in his hands.

He says, “I know it hurts.”

Barney tenses, trying to choke down a sob. He looks everywhere except at Eli.

He says, “I’ve been watching this eat you up for years.”

The tears come now. He wipes away Barney’s tears with the pad of his thumbs but leaves his own untouched. He doesn’t want comfort for himself. He doesn’t deserve it.

He says, “This may be your only chance.”

If it’s possible Barney’s body folds even more. His head slips down to Eli’s shoulder.

“You know what I’m going to say, don’t you?”

 _Don’t_ , he thinks. There’s still time to back down. There’s still time to have the slightest bit of compassion. But he looks down at Barney, his own hands resting on his trembling shoulders, and knows in his heart that isn’t quite true. There’s no room for sentiment here, is there? The Combine made sure of that a long time ago.

He whispers, “Can you imagine how much more you could do for the Resistance if you weren’t exhausted from pain every day?”

Barney sobs, and that’s all it takes. He cries into his shoulder and Eli puts his arms around him and holds him as tightly as he can. Too late to take it back. Too late to change.

“The med facilities CP has access to… we just don’t have that.” He can feel Barney’s bad arm against him, like this limp dead thing that he may well be hurting, but he can’t let go. “It’s your decision. I just want you to understand all sides of it.”

A warm damp spot grows on the shoulder of his shirt. He shouldn’t do this, shouldn’t make this more complicated than it needs to be, but it’s so clear that Barney needs some kind of comfort right now. He rubs wide circles into his back and the two of them sit without talking in this room filled with people in pain.

“It would help?” Barney sniffs loudly, the way Alyx does when she’s trying to stop herself from crying. Eli starts to say that yes, of course it would help, can he imagine how much easier it would be with the Combine’s access to healing liquids, but Barney continues, “Even if… Even if I’m not Dr. Breen’s personal bodyguard, even if I’m just some guy on the street, that would help?”

Eli tells him that of course it would. Any information is better than no information at all. But he’s still thinking, _he said yes_. He has just a moment’s excitement--this is a foot in the door, Barney’s agreed to this, it’s possible that later they can persuade Barney to try and move higher in the CP ranks--and he feels sick.

Barney lifts his head up a little and the eyes he turns to Eli are so tired and pained that Eli presses him back to his shoulder. He hates himself in this moment more than he hates the Combine.

“You’ll do it?” he hears himself ask.

Another hiccuping breath, and Barney says, “I can try.”

 _This is what you wanted_ , Eli reminds himself. “That’s all I can ask.”

The tears have slowed a little--not because Barney’s feeling any better; more likely he’s just completely worn himself out. He doesn’t seem to notice when the door at the front of the room opens and the medic comes out. She points at Barney and another patient.

“You’re up,” Eli tells him. “Time to go get your hit of healing detergent.”

He helps him sit back. Barney looks exhausted and dizzy. The medic comes over and she and Eli both have to help him stand up. But he doesn’t start toward the door. He just stands there, looking at Eli like he’s trying to find a way to ask Eli to stay.

“I…” he says softly. “Um… Thanks for sitting with me.”

“You want some company?”

Barney gives him a pained smile and it’s so clear that he does.

 _You’ve spent too long on this. They need you back at the lab._ Eli pushes those thoughts away. He can stay until Barney is settled. “Let’s go.”

The medic takes an arm and leads him to the back room, and Eli follows. It’s a place he’s been so often over the last few years. Dark, quiet, a little chilly. The chair the medic deposits Barney in is in rough shape, but the IV drip above it is functional and in the end that is what matters. The medic hooks a small clear bag of the healing liquid into the drip and pulls back Barney’s sleeve to wipe his arm down with rubbing alcohol. Eli focuses on finding a chair for himself so that he doesn’t have to watch her slip the cannula into Barney’s arm.

“What did you call this stuff?” Barney asks, tilting his head toward the IV bag as the medic lays out a dark wool blanket across him.

“Healing detergent?” Eli gives him as much of a smile as he can muster. “It’s what we call it in the labs. I think I like your name better, even if it’s green and not gold.”

Barney rests his head against the back of the chair. “What do you think CP calls it?”

Eli doesn’t know what to say, but Barney closes his eyes without waiting for an answer. They’re both silent for a long time.

God, he knows this had to be done but it hurts. Right now Barney’s half-out of his mind with pain and exhaustion but he’s going to wake up in a few hours and realize what he’s promised. And he’ll hate Eli, surely, for using his pain against him like that. If he goes through with this--and Eli knows him well enough to know that he will--he’ll have to live with the fact that it wasn’t the lives he can save that made him choose this.

“Doc?” Barney says softly. He doesn’t open his eyes. “I’m real tired.”

Eli reaches out and takes Barney’s hand in his. “That’s okay, son. Get some sleep.”

Everything he’s told Barney has been true; this will save lives and CP will have the resources to stop his pain. Yet if there is a hell Eli knows he just reserved his place there, and, most damning of all, he knows he would do it again.

He closes his eyes and thinks of Alyx, and he thinks, _I can live with it. I_ can _live with it._

They both will. It's the only thing they can do.


End file.
